Working with youth, I’ve witnessed firsthand how conflicts among friends could often be avoided if only everyone were honest about their feelings. It seemed so straightforward in hindsight. So, I decided that when my daughters faced social drama, I would encourage them to be open with their friends when they are hurt or frustrated with them. Unfortunately, this well-meaning advice did not work as I had intended it.
The first instance occurred when my older daughter was in 7th grade. Two of her friends chose to hang out without her and face-timed her while they were together. One of the two girls was even considered her “best friend,” the closest one to her at the time. She was hurt to say the least, so I advised her to share her feelings with her. While the feeling of being excluded sucks, what really hurt my daughter was the fact that her closest friend would choose to plan a hangout with a mutual friend without her, when they always did everything together. It was the realization that they were both on different planes of friendship levels that took her by surprise. So when she confronted her, the response was not only dismissive but she also told her she was overreacting, "it's not a big deal."
After that conversation, for days, that close friend ignored her at school, at lunch and on the bus. Eventually, my daughter found the courage to confront her again and ask her why she was ignoring her, but instead of receiving an apology for being excluded, she ended up apologizing for expressing her feelings and pressured to apologize for “over-reacting.”
I felt a wave of guilt wash over me. I had encouraged her to speak up, yet it had backfired. In the aftermath, my daughter retreated into silence. Every future conflict since that story she either bottled up her emotions, shook them off, or turned cold towards her friends. None of these reactions were healthy, but I understood her reluctance; the last time she had spoken up, not only were her feelings dismissed and invalidated, she also had to apologize for being upset.
The other girls naturally felt entitled to spend time with whomever they chose without feeling guilty. However, the issue lay in their approach of deliberately excluding a close friend without regard for her feelings. It's one of those scenarios where people want to enjoy the freedom to exclude others—until they find themselves on the receiving end and realize they wish that freedom hadn't been exercised so freely.
That summer, my daughter consciously distanced herself from that friendship, opting to explore new connections and spend time with different friends. I advised her to seek out friendships where the investment in each other was mutual, ensuring she surrounded herself with those who valued her as much as she valued them.
She is still on the quest, open to finding authentic friendships; however, she is more reserved now with sharing how she truly feels when she experiences conflict, and I am also reserved about advising her to talk to her friends about how she feels. With time, the hope is for these girls to develop the right skills to manage conflict head on, with healthy conversations, but until then, I will support my daughter finding other ways to navigate these situations when they arise.
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The struggle of being a parent of multiple children is that just when you think you've resolved one situation, another child walks through the door in tears, bringing their own social challenges.
That same year, my very introverted younger daughter, who was in 6th grade, had her social skills and conflict resolution skills put to test. She had a friend who is a vibrant social butterfly, brimming with energy, whom she really loved and cared for. They mutually enjoyed each other’s company and everything was going great, UNTIL my daughter’s social energy got depleted and she couldn’t match what her friend was offering.
While her friend did nothing wrong, my daughter often felt drained by the constant social interaction. In an attempt to navigate this, she wrote a heartfelt letter expressing her need for space sometimes and her appreciation for their friendship. Unfortunately, this letter was met with silence, as her friend cut off communication entirely—a painful blow that left my daughter devastated.
Fast forward to this year, and my daughter found herself in another situation with a childhood friend who began ignoring her texts and calls, leaving her texts on "read" and declining her calls. Although they still exchanged “hellos” and “goodbyes” at school, her friend’s lack of response online left my daughter confused and anxious.
As a mother, I instinctively advised her to ask her friend in-person about the silence, but given her past experiences, she hesitated. Eventually, she managed to ask her if she still had the texting app they used to communicate with, only to receive a vague response about not being able to log in. The lack of clarity left my daughter without closure, further complicating her feelings.
I can’t be the only parent grappling with the frustration of witnessing a breakdown in healthy communication and conflict resolution skills among kids. Yet, I firmly believe that these conversations must continue at home. We need to plant the seeds of healthy communication, nurturing them even when social situations seem to uproot our efforts. If we persistently cultivate these skills, they will grow strong and resilient, empowering our children to engage in open dialogue about their feelings without fear of dismissal.
In guiding my daughters through this journey, I’ve learned that while encouraging emotional honesty is important, it’s equally vital to foster an environment where they feel safe and supported in expressing those feelings.
Happy Parenting to ME!
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