A Comprehensive Guide to Raising Confident, Compassionate, and Capable Adults
As a parent, coach and educator with over a decade of experience working with teenagers, I've had the unique opportunity to observe and analyze the patterns that lead to both success and failure in parenting.
Throughout this journey, I've come to realize that while many people assert there is no single "right" way to parent, there are indeed certain practices that consistently foster positive outcomes in teens. These practices help shape young individuals into confident, motivated, hard-working, and morally sound adults. It’s important to note that I refrain from labeling these individuals as “successful,” as success can be a highly subjective term that varies from one person to another.
In my reflections, I've identified nine essential building blocks of intentional parenting—or, as I like to call them, tools that promote healthy development in our children. These principles align closely with the American Academy of Pediatrics’ framework known as the "7 C’s of Resilience."
Here are the building blocks, with insights and practical strategies for parents to help their children thrive:
1. Building Competence
Competence is the foundation upon which our children can build their skills and confidence. To foster competence, parents can:
Support a Variety of Activities: Encourage your child to explore different interests, whether they’re structured activities like sports teams or more casual pursuits like music groups or art classes. This exposure helps them discover their passions and talents. The key is in the “variety” because if they drop one activity along the way, they will have others to lean on and find competence in.
Celebrate their Failures: Make it a habit to not only celebrate their achievements, but also their failures. Encourage them to find value in failing because that is where all the learning happens.
Encourage Critical Thinking: Instead of providing direct answers, ask open-ended questions that prompt them to think critically about situations. This will help them feel competent in problem solving.
Avoid Comparisons: Each child is unique. Refrain from comparing them to their peers or siblings. Instead, celebrate their uniqueness to help them foster competence, especially in their differences.
2. Fostering Confidence
Building confidence and a healthy self-esteem is crucial for a child’s development. Here are several ways to nurture confidence:
Maintain High Expectations: While it’s important to set high standards, focus on personal qualities such as integrity, kindness, and resilience rather than solely on grades or accolades.
Encourage Risk-Taking: Teach them that taking risks is a part of growth. Ask them, “What do you have to lose by trying?” This reframing can decrease their fear of failure.
Praise Effort: Offer sincere compliments for their efforts, not just their successes. This reinforces the idea that trying hard is worth celebrating, regardless of the results.
NEVER SHAME: Instead of shaming them for mistakes, and recurrently mentioning them, help them understand that poor choices can provide valuable lessons.
3. Cultivating Connection
Connection is vital for emotional and social development. To cultivate a strong relationship with your kid, consider the following:
Foster a Safe Home Environment: Create a household atmosphere that is supportive and nurturing, steering clear of fear-based parenting styles.
Express Unconditional Love: Regularly remind your children of your love, especially during conflicts or challenging times.
Encourage Emotional Expression: Allow your children to express their feelings while ensuring they do so respectfully. This helps them understand and manage their emotions better.
Listen without Judgement: Everywhere they go, your kids are judged based on what they look, do and say all day long. Be the only place where they get to just be and say without fear of judgement and rejection.
Demonstrate Conflict Resolution Skills: Model positive ways to resolve disagreements, emphasizing the importance of communication, forgiveness and understanding within the family.
4. Shaping Character
Character is who you are even when no one is watching. Character development is critical in guiding children toward becoming compassionate adults. Here’s how to facilitate character growth:
Discuss The Impact of Actions: Help your children understand how their actions affect others. This awareness fosters empathy and moral reasoning.
Support Their Values: Allow them to express their beliefs and values, even if they differ from your own. This encourages independent thinking and self-advocacy.
Model Empathy: Show your children the importance of community involvement and caring for others, demonstrating that kindness enriches our lives and those around us.
Do The Right Thing: Parents must model integrity and character before their children.
5. Encouraging Contribution
Teaching children the value of contribution can lead to a greater sense of purpose. Here are some methods to instill giving:
Highlight Social Realities: Don’t raise them in a bubble. Discuss the challenges faced by those less fortunate and the importance of empathy and action.
Model Generosity: Demonstrate generosity through your own actions, whether it’s volunteering your time or helping others in need.
Create Opportunities to Contribute: Encourage participation in community service or small acts of kindness, reinforcing that even minor contributions can make a significant impact.
Support their Efforts: Don’t brush off their attempts to do something good, even if you don’t believe it will make an impact or it’s an inconvenience for you.
Allocate a Giving Jar: Create a spot for change or a percentage of their earning that goes away to a greater cause at the end of each year.
6. Developing Healthy Coping Skills
Equipping your children with healthy coping skills is essential for navigating life's challenges. Consider these strategies:
Differentiate Life Crises from Everyday Frustrations: Help them understand that not all challenges are crises, and teach them how to deal with everyday frustrations effectively.
Share Your Coping Strategies: Be open about how you handle stress, fear, and anxiety. Your examples can provide valuable insights for them.
Encourage Time for Feeling the Feeling: Allow time for just sitting with the thoughts and feelings without doing anything about them. This de-stressing time for reflection can enhance creativity and problem-solving abilities.
Be a Coach, not a superhero: Don’t come in and swoop them from their feelings because you don’t want them to suffer through them. Teach them how to control those feelings and encourage them to not escape from them.
Promote Self-Care: Emphasize the importance of self-care through regular exercise, nutritious eating, and sufficient rest.
7. Modeling Self-Control
One of the most effective ways to teach essential life skills is by modeling them. Here is what you can do to show them how to deal with life’s ups and downs, especially when things don’t go your way:
Demonstrate Emotional Regulation: When you encounter frustrating situations in front of your child, ask yourself, how would I want them to act in this situation? And do that.
Practice Patience in Everyday Situations: Kids pick up on our cues when we are running out of patience. Use tools like counting to 10, or listening to music, or even saying out loud “I choose patience” in certain trying situations.
Set Clear Boundaries and Stick to Them: Stick to the boundaries you enforce at home, and outside the home. Walk the walk. By doing so, you demonstrate that self-control is about making choices and sticking to them, even when it’s difficult
Share Your Own Challenges with Self-Control: Being open about your struggles with self-control can be incredibly beneficial. If you find yourself tempted to do something that will affect you negatively, be open about it and show them self-control in action.
8. Facing Consequences
Nothing good will come out of protecting kids from facing the consequences of their choices. Here is how you make sure they learn from their mistakes without taking punitive measures:
Change The Language: We don't call them "punishments" in our home, we call them consequences. Changing the language by itself is a step towards building a more understanding parent-child relationship that is not based on power and fear.
Allow Room for Natural Consequences: Don’t save them from the natural consequences of their choices. Natural Consequences are those that happen naturally, either directly or indirectly, in response to the choices made. Example: Forgot to brush your teeth? You will have bad breath all day. DON’T rush to save them with a mint or gum!
Enforce Related Consequences Lovingly: Resist the urge of enforcing punitive measures. If natural consequences aren’t immediate, you can enforce a related consequence. Forgot to brush your teeth? No sugary snacks at school. Refrain from taking things away that are not related to the issue at hand. It is important for them to still feel loved even when they make mistakes.
Highlight Cause and Effect: Teach them the connection between their actions and the consequences that follow. This helps them recognize their role in shaping outcomes.
Check Your Biases: Before you implement any consequences, ask yourself: Am I doing it to feel better about my parenting, or will it really help shape them into responsible adults?
9. Encouraging Responsibility
Children discover a sense of purpose when they are entrusted with responsibilities. To their dismay, taking on responsibilities can lead to increased productivity, which in turn boosts their self-esteem and mental well-being. Here are some effective ways to encourage responsibility in your children:
Link Responsibility with Privileges: Encourage personal responsibility by allowing them to earn privileges through trustworthy behavior and emotional regulation.
Give them Chores: Assigning chores to kids teaches them to contribute to the family and manage tasks independently.
Show them trust: When children feel trusted, they are more likely to take ownership of their tasks and develop essential life skills, leading to greater independence and accountability.
Include them in Family Decisions: Empowering them to voice their opinions and understand the impact of their choices in the family dynamic will foster in them a sense of purpose and responsibility
Great Work & Thank You: Affirmations on meeting and exceeding expectations can go a long way!
In summary
while parenting is not a one-size-fits-all endeavor, there are certainly guidelines that can help us nurture our children's emotional needs, increasing the likelihood of them enjoying a childhood free from the need for healing. Intentional parenting is a comprehensive approach that demands effort, patience, and love. By concentrating on these nine foundational elements, parents can create an environment that fosters healthy development, resilience, and strong moral character in their children.
As you navigate this parenting journey, keep in mind that each child is unique, and these strategies can be tailored to align with your family's values and circumstances.
Together, let’s strive to raise a generation of confident, empathetic, and capable young adults!
Happy Parenting!
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