Parenting Evolution: Navigating the 4 Stages of Parenting

Parenthood is not only a journey filled with joy and challenges, but also growth. We often talk about our role in helping our children grow, but we rarely talk about our own growth in the process. This blog post is dedicated to that.

When I read Andy & Sandra Stanley's book "Parenting, Getting it Right" I couldn't help but think "How come no one ever mentioned this book to me? How can I help spread the message in the book to as many parents as possible?" In fact, among many other books I have read, this is the one that has provided me a clear perspective on the significant learning and personal growth I am required to go through to effectively fulfill my parenting role.

As parents, we often put on a persona or adopt a character with the belief of consistency. Whether we feel the need to maintain strictness, show leniency, or adopt a good cop-bad cop dynamic, we often believe that this approach should remain constant throughout our children's lives in our home. However, family experts have unanimously concluded that our parental role must evolve in tandem with our children's development. The Stanleys put it beautifully in their book by inviting us to enjoy and embrace the change we need to go through as parents, at least 4 times in our children's lives, before they leave home. His 4 stages of parenting are:

Stage 1: Discipline

(0-5 years old)

The early years of parenting are characterized by the need for establishing boundaries and laying the foundation for a child's emotional and social development. Discipline during this stage involves setting clear and consistent boundaries, teaching empathy, and helping our children understand right from wrong. In this stage, we play a crucial role in shaping our child's behavior and values. Effective discipline at this stage involves positive reinforcement, gentle redirection, and age-appropriate consequences. It's about teaching our children to regulate their emotions (by us regulating ours), understand cause and effect, and develop a sense of empathy and respect for others. As parents in this stage, it's important to provide a secure and loving environment where children can explore, learn, and grow.

Stage 2: Training

(5-12 years old)

As we enter the training stage, our goal is for our children to become more independent, curious, and eager to explore the world around them. Parenting during this stage involves fostering a sense of responsibility, independence, and resilience in our children. It's about teaching life skills, problem-solving, and decision-making, while also providing a supportive and loving environment for their growth. We can encourage our children to take on age-appropriate responsibilities, develop good habits, and explore their interests and talents. This is our time to teach them the value of hard work, perseverance, and the importance of learning from both success and failure. Through positive reinforcement and constructive feedback, we can help our children develop a strong sense of self-esteem and confidence.

Stage 3: Coaching

(12-18 years old)

The teenage years bring a new set of challenges and opportunities for both parents and children. Parenting during this stage involves transitioning from a directive role to a coaching role. It's about providing guidance, support, and mentorship while allowing our teenagers to explore their own identities, values, and aspirations. Just as a coach would stand on the sidelines during a game, we must learn to guide our teens from the sidelines of their life. We can support our teenagers by actively listening to them, respecting their opinions, and helping them navigate the complexities of peer relationships, academic pressures, and personal growth, but eventually allowing them to make their own choices. It's a time for open communication, setting realistic expectations, and allowing teenagers to learn from their mistakes while providing a safety net of support and guidance.

Our role in this stage includes: giving them advice on how to navigate friendships but allowing them to make their own choices

Stage 4: Friendship

(18+ years old)

As children transition into adulthood, our parenting dynamic evolves into a more equal and supportive relationship. The friendship stage, the longest of all stages, is characterized by mutual respect, trust, and understanding. It's about celebrating the accomplishments of adult children, offering advice when sought, and being a source of unwavering support through life's challenges. Parents can build strong friendships with their adult children by respecting their independence, acknowledging their autonomy, and being a source of wisdom and encouragement. It's a time for sharing experiences, enjoying each other's company, and fostering a relationship built on love, respect, and mutual admiration.

Common Parenting Fallout

Some parents find themselves primarily focused on discipline until their children reach adulthood, and then hope for a seamless transition to a friendship. This approach often falls short of expectations, because the overlooked training and coaching stages are essential for shaping their children's identity, sense of responsibility, and emotional maturity. Not only does embracing the four stages of parenting empower parents to nurture their children's growth and development, it is also the main segue to creating a bond that withstands the test of time. So, if your long term plan is to befriend your children when they become independent, don't forget to discipline, train and coach along the way!