Every parent on this side of heaven wishes happiness upon their children (including me!) Many parents dedicate their lives to make their children happy. We hear it all the time, from everyone around us, "I just want my kids to be happy." However, the more I think about that statement, the more unreasonable I think it is. Not only is it not realistic to want someone to be happy all the time, it is also selfish. If I were to ask you to stop reading for a minute and answer this question for yourself: Why do you want your child to be happy?
Your answer will most probably fall under one of these lines:
We are emotionally invested in our children, so when they are not happy, we aren't. "You're only as happy as your least happy child."
We don't know how to deal with their negative emotions.
We feel we are responsible for their happiness so when they're not, then it must be our fault. Who wants to be the reason for anyone's unhappiness, let alone their own kids!
There is nothing wrong with wanting our kids to be happy, but I would like to suggest a different way of looking at things. If we change how we see our role as parents, our main goal won't be our children's happiness. Shifting from "I have to make them happy" to "I have to ensure their well-being" changes our focus and affects the choices we make as parents.
To put that in perspective, when your little guy wants dessert before dinner, you know it will make him happy, yet (hopefully) you hold off on that ice cream until after dinner, because you know it's the right decision for his well-being. When your tween is asking for unlimited access to whatever social media platform because all her friends have unlimited access too, your decision will come from what you believe your main responsibility is. If you feel you are responsible for her happiness, you will say yes; but if you believe you are responsible for her well-being, you will say no, or maybe yes, with limits. When your teenager stays up late at night playing video games with friends, you either choose to keep him happy in the moment, especially if it's a weekend and he doesn't need to wake up early the next day, or ask him to shut it down because excessive gaming is not good for his brains in the long run.
Is it making sense now? When I say my children's happiness is not my responsibility, I mean that my main focus is not on the things they want to have or do in the moment, which probably brings them happiness right here and now. What I really want for my children is for them to discover joy, love, and resilience in their connection with God and others, even if it means making choices that might bring them sadness in the present. My main priority is nurturing their emotional, spiritual, and mental well-being in the long run, even if it requires me to be the cause of their tears, letdowns, and unhappiness at times. This shift in perspective not only brings me relief in parenting, it also strips me from the parent guilt that usually accompanies my child's letdown. Their happiness is not my job; their well-being, on the other hand, is my mission!
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