Adios Lectures, Hello Convos

As parents, we often find ourselves in the role of educators, mentors, and guides for our children. The way we communicate with them plays a crucial role in shaping their understanding of the world, their values, and their behavior. In the realm of parenting, two distinct forms of communication stand out: the lecture and the conversation. Understanding the difference between these two approaches can profoundly impact the dynamics of our relationships with our children.

By definition, these two have major differences that could make or break future communication with your child.

A lecture involves a one-sided communication where the parent assumes the role of the sole provider of information, guidance, and discipline. While there are moments when this approach is necessary and effective, especially when our children are young, relying solely on lectures with our teenagers can create a hierarchical and authoritarian dynamic within the parent-child relationship. It can lead to a lack of engagement, resistance, and even a sense of disconnect between the parent and the teen.

Conversely, engaging in conversations with our teens involves a two-way exchange of ideas, emotions, and experiences. Through open and empathetic dialogue, parents can create an environment where their children feel heard, understood, and valued. Conversations allow for the exploration of different perspectives, the expression of emotions, and the cultivation of critical thinking skills. By encouraging conversations, parents can foster a sense of trust, mutual respect, and collaboration within the family unit.

To make this post practical, here are some examples:

A lecture sounds something like this:

- I told you a hundred times not to ________________.

- When I was your age ________________.

- How dare you say _________________.

- When I give orders, they must be followed because I am the parent.

A conversation sounds something like this:

- You know you shouldn't have ___________ . Can I know what happened and what made you ___________?

- Help me understand your thought process because I never went through what your going through when I was your age.

- I'm sure you didn't mean what you said. I will give you another chance to speak your mind with a better tone.

- The rules we put in this family are meant to protect you and us. When these rules are broken, they could affect us all. (This is when you might be challenged by a smart teen. If you have rules that are not meant for protection or the betterment of the family, you might want to reassess the rules you have in place and check if they are coming from a powerplay, or unresolved issues from when you were younger.)

How do you make the switch?

It is much simpler than you think. What has helped me personally in making the switch from giving lectures to having conversations are 2 strategies that requires little effort on my end and made big changes in our relationship:

1. I make sure I end my sentence with a question. That way, I can still make my point but also give my child a chance to make theirs

2. I pretend I am talking to someone else's child. Would you yell, belittle, threaten, be harsh and mean, and give a plain old lecture to someone else's child? Probably not! We are known to be more patient and understanding towards other children than our own. Let's use this to our advantage and talk to our teens like we are talking to our nieces and nephews!

Try it and let me know how it goes for you!

Happy Parenting :)